I'm still here... trying again.

I just want to be beautiful, to be noticed, to stand out in a crowded room. To have the guys look at me and think, "Damn, she is beauitful." Is that so vain? Can I want that without it being bad? I'm so tired of hating myself. They say you don't have to be skinny and beautiful to love yourself, and I get that. But I don't want to love what I have become. This isn't my best, and so I won't let it be okay. If I starve myself, it's not because I want to hurt my body. In fact, I want to take care of it. But I can't go to school like this, hating myself. I won't live life in hiding anymore. I want to be the healthy kind of skinny, have great legs, and look awesome in a bikini... and that's okay. It doesn't make me vain, or self obsessed. It just means that i'm going to fight for what I want. Sometimes i'm afraid that I might want all this just for the attention of the boys, and it's partly that. Although, I know that loving myself and my body will be far more important than ever getting a cute boys attention. It's going to be a fight, but i'm still here... trying again. And that means that I have not failed, there is still hope. I pray to God, to give me blind motivation. That the barriers of my mind will no longer beat me down... This time, I will succeed.

<3 OnTheCountOfTwo

-Montana/Hotel 6

A lesson learned.

There is a moment right before every wrong choice I have made when I realized what a bad choice I was making. In all those moments, I knew that what I was doing would not benefit me. But yet, I did it anyways. Why? Because of a temporary moment of weakness that I have given into cookie after cookie. If I can get past that period of struggle, then will I have finally learned this lesson?

The moments of weakness.

What makes the difference? The choices we make in a moment of weakness... When do we truly LEARN a lesson? Is it when it is no longer a weakness? Or all the little, but hard choices we make from day to day that
prove we have grown.

"I have learned that you always stick with you're partner. Especially during a fire." - Fireproof

Every Pound...

It's funny to think that the only real thing standing in front of me and complete happiness is myself. Like my issue with my weight. I have fed myself every pound... is it possible that the craving and the obsession is all in my head? I have the opportunity to be as great and beautiful as I choose. It's all up to me. Maybe that's what makes it so scary. The fact that we can't blame our failures on anything or anyone. We will all reap what we sow.

The Girl Holding The Sword

There comes moments in our lives when you lay in your bed and wonder if things will ever get better. Its easy to blame the world for what happens to us, but we should all know. The hardest challenge we will ever over come is ourselves.

<3 OnTheCountOfTwo

In his arms <\3

It's only late at night when the stars paint the sky and you pretend you're not alone that the sadness settles in your heart and keeps you tossing and turning. It's then that you wish there was someone to fill the empty space next to you. Maybe in their arms, everything would seem bearable.

<3 OnTheCountOfTwo

And he Slept his dream.

In the night, the stormy might, she closed her eyes and dreamed of paradise.

-Coldplay

A strangers secret.

There is this website called 6billionsecrets.com that people write their secrets on. Most of what people write are bad or sad secrets of things that happened to them, or things they are going through. Every time I go to the movies and see all the strangers, I wonder if it was their secret I read.

It gets better.

It's easy to forget things. One moment you are inspired and ready to face your challenges, and the next you find yourself back in the same old rut. How do we forgot our reasons to be strong so easily?

I hear beautiful words in my head. Ways to explain how how the smell of rain fills me with hope. Or the despair of falling to the tile in tears as the scale goes up five more pounds. The sting in my eyes when I remember him. Hope, despair, love.... I once heard that it gets better. I want, with all of my tears to see that happen. I want to carry with me the certainty in it all. So when I lose myself in the sad songs, I will be reminded, and I will believe.

The silence isn't so bad when you aren't afraid.

I'm going to sleep with no headphones in tonight, because while music can save a life, it can also distract you from it. I'm ready to listen to what is already there.

<3 OnTheCountOfTwo

In another life, I would be your girl.

Who would of thought? That after all this time, we would be standing inches from a kiss. Clenching our fists, and talking in low voices.

We have left so many times. We have come back even more. So I guess we are still in eachothers lives for a reason. I remember that night we danced at your sisters wedding. You asked them to play "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts, my favorite song at the time. You smiled that handsome grin of yours and put your arms around me, and we slow danced beneath the stars. It was a perfect night, and I want you to know... If I had another life, if things were different, you would be the one I spent the rest of my life with. We would go to College and take on the world together.

I have loved you for so long, it's hard to let you go. You think i'm crazy for doing this, and I think I am too. But there is something that burns inside me that knows I have a different path to lead. Everyone has their sacrafices in life. I think you are mine.

<\3 OnTheCountOfTwo

Something to hope for.

I have tried a hundred times. Each time being sure that this time would be different from all the failed atempts. Now here I sit, missing school becuase my school shirts are getting to tight on me. At this point, I wonder if I will ever get better. How many times will I fall down in despair after another one of my clothes are too small? "It took Edison 1000 tries to get it right." That's what I have to keep telling myself. That I WILL get this right. My mom once told me that God repeats lessons until learned. So, i'm going to do my best to learn this lesson. I have to have hope for something... and who knows. Maybe this will be the time that I find my perfect lightbulb.

<3 OnTheCountOfTwo